Monday, March 25, 2013

Try, try, and try some more

For over that past year my husband and I have tried, tried, and tried some more to get pregnant. Thus far we have been unsuccessful. For us this came as surprise because I was on birth control when I became pregnant with our first child. To say the least we didn't expect it to take this long.

I'm not the only one in the boat. I know several couples that have had problems conceiving their first and second children. It's a very heart breaking, angry, and frustrating process to continually not get pregnant. I speak of this from the female perspective.

There is a great deal of effort that goes in that week you're ovulating. By effort I mean making the time to get busy. It's much easier when there aren't kids in the picture. With kids it take more planning. Then after that fertile period passes you just spend the next two weeks waiting, waiting and waiting. Also trying not to google every small symptom you have. I have learned to stop google-ing every thing.

It's just a waiting game. Waiting to see if your period comes or if it doesn't peeing on a stick for everyday you're late hoping to see the little plus sign. Finally realizing for whatever reason you're just two weeks late for no reason. There is also the horrible PMS to the point you're nauseous and think its morning sickness. All of which just really frickin' sucks to go through. It's hard to try to stay positive, but not get overly hopeful month after month.

All the while you're going through this EVERY person (it at least seems like it) is getting pregnant. This also makes it very hard to be and or pretend to be happy because you could give a crap; you just want to know why it's not me. I know at some point I'm pretty sure I said to my self What the F*ck! I would visibly angry once I got home because it feels like there is no hope and that maybe you're not trying hard enough. When the truth is there is still hope and you are doing all the things you can do. Much of this is all internalized because it's not like you're announcing to your husband every time you think you're cramping because of implantation, or your boobs are a little sorer this month. It's hard not to read too much into what your body does and then not google the hell out of it.

In going through this whole roller coaster of emotions from depression to angry to apathy. The one thing that has helped is something my husband told me not too long ago "Where ever you are is where you're suppose to be" I have to say that repeating it to my self over and over again has helped. It has helped me wrap my head around all of this and become comfortable with know that getting pregnant again is going to take a while and that's ok.

I know that there are fertility treatments out there and all that good stuff. We have said that we didn't want to do fertility treatments because we just don't want to deal with shots and hormone drugs and etc. Everyone does what works for them.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

The real world where people stop being nice and start getting real

Ahh yes the Real World on MTV. The famous catch phrase of a show that I wasted many many hours in front of as a teenager and college student. I started thinking about that phrase and it necessarily isn't all that accurate. More specifically it's the later half of the phrase where people start being real.

I will say that with most of my experience with other Moms is we all sugar coat our day to day lives. We ask each other how we're doing and we say "We're good" or "Everything is great" when the truth is your sinks overflowing with dishes, you can't remember if you have showered in the past 24 hours, your toddler is bitting everyone and every thing, and your washer machine broke with nothing but dirty clothes in the house so you have to resort to your granniest of panties. Whatever you've got going on that's being a huge stressor in your life you momentarily forget and just give the easy answer, "It's great!" Then you go home and freak out and stress out about all of this stuff going on.

Rarely do we actually give the real honest answer. Why is that? Are we being polite and not burdening other people with our problems? Do we want to put out the appearance that we can handle it all seamlessly with the grace of June Cleaver? Why are you not only lying to ourselves but our friends. We are all in the trenches of motherhood together. Most likely no one is having an awesome time, because we're all living lives and things happen. Some good some bad but we are all having experiences. Being a Mom even good news can stretch us and stress us out. We don't what going on if we don't share. Remember sharing is caring; that's what we tell our children. If we share our experiences with one another then we can being to care for one another and create a stronger community. When someone asks you how you're doing, start being real and tell them what's going on.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Being in the moment

Trying to be in every moment of every day is hard. You have played trucks, tea party or peak-a-boo for the millionth time so you're just going through the motions. You really need to make dinner so you put a movie on and hope that you're kid will stay put for 30 minutes. Admittedly this is all stuff that I do and have done. Even though I may be physically present with my child, there are some times when I'm mentally vacated.

The one thing I have noticed and learned from my tiny human is that he is in the moment 100% of the time. Today after coming home from Stroller Strides I decided to water the plants in the front yard because they were looking a little sad and it's been hot. I got the hose out and the tiny human started following my around and putting his hand in front of the nozzle in the water stream. Then he started leaning his head into the water stream. So I decided well it's a pretty warm day why not play in the water. So I took his shoes off and let him run around the yard while I sprayed him with the hose. He also decided to drink from the hose as well which was fine with me. By the time I finished watering the plants he was soaked from head to toe. I stripped his clothes off, took off his diaper, and then he ran away from me in the yard. I had to chase around a buck naked little boy while trying to crack up laughing asking if he would please come here. Trying to sound serious and holding back laughter almost always end up in laughter.

I have to say taking the tiny human's lead and playing in the water was fun. I am glad I decided to be in the moment.

Monday, May 28, 2012

So what do you do?

A week or so ago  I celebrated the completion of my certificate program in Procurement and Contracts from the University of Virginia. They had a nice ceremony with appetizers and punch. Rarely do I get to dress up so I grabbed at the opportunity. While I was at the ceremony people were making small talk. They would ask if I was a student or faculty. Then they would ask "What do you do?". To be honest I didn't know how to answer the question. It's been a little over a year since I have left the workforce to stay home with the Tiny Human. I do alot of stuff now that I'm at home, run errands, cook, clean, change diapers, kiss boo boos, entertain, educate, discipline, play, and occasionally nap. I do a bunch of different things. My days are never the same. I have to say never have a felt more like a fish out of water. I felt a little weird in a professional setting with no profession.

Last year I left corporate America behind. I traded my high heels for sneakers when I decided to stay home. It's a swap that I am glad I have made many times over. Not everyday is rainbows and sunshine. Sometimes I wish my husband and I could swap jobs for the day. All  in all I have a pretty awesome job. I don't have a career where I'm working on accenting the corporate ladder. I'm more concerned about the ladder my child is trying to climb at the playground.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Hey toddler, you suck!!!

Fashion choices of toddlers........
The tiny human is rounding the corner to 18 months. In this short 18 months, which feels like years some days, he has developed desires. Which leads to tantrums, wearing leg warmers on his arms and other questionable fashion choices.

At the ripe age of 18 months he has the desire but not the means to communicate them. Naturally he gets frustrated when he asks for something and doesn't receive it. Let me be clear I don't give my child everything he asks for so there are also tantrums because he's not getting his way. I could really go without the face slapping and the hair pulling. It is the hardest thing to stay calm, explain the bad behavior, hand out the time out all while your losing your temper all on the inside because your kid just slapped your face. Toddlers really suck sometimes!

I think that there is more emotional exhaustion and physical exhaustion then there was. It takes alot of work to not completely lose it on your kid when they behave badly for the 50 billionth time that day. It's stressful to keep your cool. There are also more physically demand because he's grabbing things off of counters and running around the house with them or your kid just takes off in public at a full blown sprint.

This age isn't all doom and gloom. In fact it's more fun than not. The exploring and learning is really exciting. It's more verbal development now than physical development. It's exciting to experience it all. I just wish the experience came this less tantrums sometimes.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Running on a whim

I celebrated my 30th birthday a couple of weeks ago. My husband and I decided to throw a birthday/housewarming party. We figure two big events one party. It was a really great party I have to say. At the party a dear friend of mine had asked me if I would like to run a 10K on the following Sunday. I figured I have run a 10K before this one should be much easier because there was no nor'easter threading and I wasn't pushing a stroller. I have to say that it was a pretty good race. I finished in 1:06 and beat my previous record of 1:17. There was a good bit of improvement. I had enough energy at the end of the race to sprint that last 1/10 of a mile. I don't know where that energy came from but I was sure glad to have it.

The picture below could quite possibly be the worst picture of me ever. I don't mid the picture one bit because it's me finishing a race. The fact that I can just up and decide to run a 10K is a true testament to the progress I have made in my physical fitness. This time last year I couldn't even run a mile with out huffing and puffing. I have Stroller Strides to thank for the progress I have made and continue to make!
Me finishing the race.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Not my divorce

A few years back I joined a group I never thought I would have joined, children of divorce. My parents divorced when I was 26 and my sister was 24. As they went through the divorce they reassure us that they stilled loved us and it wasn't our fault. Their love for us wouldn't change, blah, blah blah. All the cliche bullshit you could find in an after school special.
Despite being adults when the divorce took place we still end up being stuck in the middle of their bull shit. When I was planning my wedding a few years ago every major decision for the reception was made in order to mitigate the drama. The fact that I felt like I had to do that is completely out of line. The fact that I couldn't count on my parents being civil enough not to cause a scene makes my blood boil to this day.
I don't know what I would have done if we would have been teenagers or hell even children. Im pretty sure there would be lasting emotional scars and hefty therapy bills. It would have had a much bigger impact then it has. Dealing with it now is just a pain in the ass.
It's not my divorce. I would rather not deal with their drama. I would much rather they just move on and figure out how they will co-exists in the same room once or twice a year.